He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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