toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
