This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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