I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I just want to make out with him forever
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize