Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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