i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
