i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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