Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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