Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
