it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
