well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
The power of my boobs compel you
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize