He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i wish my penis had a tongue
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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