so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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