I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
