Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
