i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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