To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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