He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
