I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize