Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
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