Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
