I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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