I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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