Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize