you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
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