I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Randomize
