i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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