Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
