I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
