guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
