We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
