This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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