just come out here and I will go home with you...
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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