So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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