I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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