Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
