I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
