I puked a lego.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
