dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
