im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I feel great
I just peed on a car
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
im holly from the hills drunk
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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