I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
