Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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