She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
