I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
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