last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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