Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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