never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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