I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
