I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
