after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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