So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Found the puke drawer
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
