I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
