happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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