I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
